What are the benefits of improving interpersonal communication skills?
Even those who are individual contributors in the workplace need to be able to communicate effectively with bosses and customers. Most people have colleagues with whom they need to communicate in order to be successful at their job. Every one of us has her/his own preferred style of communicating with others. In addition, given our unique histories, we have different strategies for communicating in different types of situations. As a result, there is a very real possibility that when two of us get together there are certain circumstances in which we are less effective at communicating with each other than we would like. By increasing your repertoire of interpersonal communication skills, you can increase your overall effectiveness and perhaps your job satisfaction.
Odds are that you're reading this because you have a bit of trouble expressing your feelings properly. Everyone knows that it's unhealthy (and rather stressful) to keep your feelings on the inside, as people who do often end up at a disadvantage. Once you learn how to properly vent these emotions, you'll be able to communicate with others - as well as yourself - much better. It's not always easy to express your feelings, but it's rewarding when you do.
Part 1 of 2: Identifying Your Emotions
1
Accept your feelings. Before you can do anything else, you have to recognize and accept that you are going to have feelings and that those feelings are okay. What you are going to have to learn is how those feelings operate in your daily life and how you can deal with/express them more productively. Ask yourself the three following questions:
- What is the feeling?
- What is the feeling telling me about the situation?
- Why has this feeling feeling appeared now?
2
Learn to recognize your feelings. Everyone's way of feeling is different. Sadness, anger, excitement etc. are all presented in different ways for each individual. Taking the time when you're not emotionally triggered to think about your feelings can be useful for when they pop up.
- Try writing down a list of emotions, such as anger, delight, sadness, fear, etc. Think about each one and see when, or if, you've experienced those emotions. Make a note of how you feel when you are sad. For example, maybe your throat gets choked up and your lips get tight when you are sad. This will help you identify the emotion when it happens to you.
- Behaviors like excessive criticism, discounting the positives and focusing on the negative aspects of the situation, passive aggressive behaviors, blaming others, and worrying about the future, instead of enjoying life, can often be signs of withholding anger. You will need to try to trace different feelings back to their source emotion.
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3
Pay attention to your body's response. Your emotions are governed by the limbic system in the brain and and the involuntary, autonomic nervous system. In times of emotional distress, you might experience an increased heart-rate, increased and shallow breathing, perspiration, and trembling. Your body's reaction to emotion can have very real physical side effects.[1]
- Pent up emotions damage your physical well-being, so learning to express them is important for your physical health, as well as for your mental health.
- When you withhold your feelings it can lead to tension in your muscle groups, neck, back, shoulder, and jaws. You can see when someone's angry the tension that builds in their cheek, their neck, even their pelvic area.
- If you are experiencing increased emotional response that can lead to stress. Stress can cause increased blood pressure, accelerate heart rate and arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, which can weaken your heart.
- Hanging on to feelings can lead to a psychosomatic illnesses like headaches, ulcers, blood pressure, asthma, cardiac problems.
- All this means that your emotions are powerful and communicate with the body. If you deal effectively with your feelings, you are eliminating the potential for harmful, physical side effects.
4
Interpret your emotional response to events. A good mantra to repeat to yourself is "it isn't the situation, it's my response to the situation that causes problems." Events that you experience are influenced by your own thoughts and experiences, which means that the emotional reaction comes from you.
- For example, two different people both get an 85% on an examination. The first person might be elated because they have difficulty with the subject. The second person might be angry and/or upset, because they didn't get the top grade. They are reacting to the same situation differently, because of the thoughts and experiences connected with it.
- You'll need to recognize if your emotional reaction to an event is disproportionate and what the underlying cause might be. For instance, the second person from the example above, might throw a fit because they didn't get the grade they wanted. This is a disproportionate response to the event, probably caused by anxiety and stress.
- Also, you can easily feel multiple emotions about an event at the same time, even ones that might seem contradictory. The first person, above, could be happy that they got an 85%, but still stressed or upset, because they find the subject of the examination difficult.
1
Practice experimental focus. You need to learn to tune into your body so you understand what it is trying to tell you and how it is reacting to certain circumstances. This means setting aside time to calmly assess and identify your feelings and thought patterns.[2]
- In a comfortable space, relax your body for five to ten minutes and domeditation or calming exercises to relax your muscles.
- Ask yourself: "What am I feeling?" and tune into that place in your body that feels emotional sensations like fear, sadness, anger, etc.
- Calmly listen to what you are feeling, but don't react to it. In this place you are trying to be an observer rather than an active and reactive participant.
- Once you have figured out, somewhat, what you are feeling, ask yourself "where in my body is this feeling?" "What is the shape and texture of this feeling?" "Does this feeling have a color?" Giving concrete form to your feelings, helps you accurately and positively express them.
2
Consider your options. You need to realize that first and foremost, how you express your feelings is a choice that only you can make. There is no one absolutely true way to express yourself, although there are ways that are harmful both to yourself, and to others.
- For example: say a friend is leaving town and you recognize that you are upset and sad that she's leaving. You could choose to avoid her to minimize the pain to yourself, you could choose to pick a fight with her and make the experience "easier" through anger, or you could choose to spend as much time with her as possible, perhaps even help her with the move. The choice is yours.
- Again, there is no right choice, but the first option means that you aren't dealing with the feelings, the second means that you are channeling your unhappiness into a hurtful manner, and the third option opens the both of you up for continued sadness.
3
Express your emotions verbally. This can mean finding someone you trust to talk out the situation and the accompanying emotions, this can mean writing things down in a journal, or writing poetry. Or it can mean talking with someone who you feel caused you feel sadness, or anger, or other emotion.[3]
- Refer back to the list of different emotions you made and use that to help you determining what it is you're feeling in the moment. It can be very difficult to articulate emotions as they are happening and having a list, or tool can help you sort your feelings out.
- When you're talking to someone who has said something that has hurt you (made you angry, defensive, etc) the best way is to use "I feel..." statements, rather than "You made me feel..." The reasons behind this are manifold: it takes away your own agency (no one can make you feel anything; you are the one who makes you feel something), and it puts the other person on the defensive, shutting down communication, rather than opening it up.
- Sometimes when you are dealing with someone who has said something hurtful, or upsetting, writing out a letter to them, or an email can be useful, as it takes away the immediacy of the hurt, and gives you time to process how you're feeling and how best to make them understand what wasn't okay about what they said or did.
4
Express your emotions physically. Because our emotions are linked to our physical bodies, using your body to express and diffuse your emotions can be incredibly helpful (think expressions like "jumping for joy," etc).[4]
- If you are struggling to express your sadness, for instance, listening to evocative music, reading a book or poem or watching a movie that invites an emotional response can help release the feelings of sadness you're undergoing.
- Anger is an emotion we often try to are told to hide, but this can lead to anxiety and stress. When you're dealing with someone who has triggered anger in you, expressing your anger on inanimate objects (like a stress ball, or a punching bag) can help alleviate the anger before you speak with them about how they triggered this anger response.
- Likewise, with anger, dealing with a person or situation in a non-accusatory, but assertive manner (not aggressive), will help you more effectively negotiate your feelings of anger.
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